Getting emotionally close to another and sharing your life with one special
person is called love. Emotional intimacy begins when your heart connects
with another, and involves a few basic beliefs which lead to attachment:
- An easiness of sharing.
- A spontaneity and comfort not shared with others.
- Feelings of being loved and accepted by another.
- Knowing you are the most special person in another's life.
Here, I'll discuss important aspects of intimacy, including signs of danger.
On This Page . . .
- Key Building Blocks to True Intimacy
- Barriers to Intimacy
- 11 Commandments for Building Intimacy
- Recognizing the Masks of Intimacy
- 10 Distractions of Dating
- Warning Signs of Dangerous Liaisons
- Really Serious RED FLAG WARNINGS!!
- Can EMDR Help My Relationship?
Key Building Blocks to True Intimacy
These three building blocks are formed after the wonderful feeling of
love sparks and an emotional bond begins developing. With these
essential blocks, relationships can flourish. Without them, a relationship
can have no true development and intimacy. Trust is essential.
Without a sense of trust, most of us would never
progress to even a minor level of attachment.
The healthiest way to get your needs met in a relationship is by
being willing to directly and honestly communicate. When there
is a breakdown in intimacy, it usually can be traced back to a
breakdown in communication.
Most people who build their lives together want to
know the other is committed. This usually means fidelity. People need a
sense of emotional safety in a relationship. Within the structure of the
relationship, we hope to share our deepest feelings and vulnerabilities.
Commitment allows a relationship to mature, grow and further develop.
Barriers to Intimacy
Hurt feelings, misunderstandings and unresolved anger can destroy
intimacy. And the lack of intimacy can destroy a relationship.
Even though the three key building blocks, trust, commitment
and communication are present, there may be serious hidden
barriers preventing intimacy from growing. Here are five of the
most common barriers to intimacy.
If you or your partner suffer from low self esteem, chances are you
might think you are not worthy of love. Also, when feelings of shame,
guilt, worthlessness are internalized, it takes emotional energy to keep
these emotions buried. You wear many 'masks' in trying to keep
these self defeating beliefs quiet. No energy left for love and
Unresolved issues and conflicts from the past such as fear of
- Unhealed Emotional Scars.
abandonment, separation anxiety, jealousy and possessiveness
are often related to wounds from childhood. Basic trust can be
difficult to develop with these types of issues, and without trust,
there can be no true intimacy.
Lack of trust and fear of being vulnerable make it impossible to
love or be loved. Some fears of love stem from childhood
relationships, or wounds from adult relationships which ended
poorly. Some people have been so hurt or victimized, it feels
safer to never love again. These people are deeply scarred from
their relationship experiences, and are often emotionally
paralyzed in a world of numbness when it comes to love. These
people can often put on a 'good front', pretending to be available
for love in the beginning, then bail as soon as feelings of love
begin to develop
Having predetermined ideas about how your partner "should" be,
- Unrealistic Expectations.
talk, dress, look or act will put them on the defensive. Not much
room for intimacy when one is busy defending themselves.
Intimacy has to do with accepting the 'real person' . . . it's what
most people want in a relationship. . .freedom to be who they are,
and be free to love and be loved.
Anger expressed in destructive ways or holding anger in can
create major roadblocks to love, trust and intimacy. It is difficult to love
someone who is angry. And people who experience toxic anger
generally don't let people too close. Remember, healthy, direct
and prompt communication of all feelings can keep the road clear for
intimacy to develop.
11 Commandments for Building Intimacy
Professional therapist agree the following ingredients are key
to developing a healthy, mature and intimate love relationship.
- Thou shalt always be honest.
- Thou shalt never hold on to anger.
- Thou shalt communicate your needs.
- Thou shalt remember, it's OK to disagree.
- Thou shalt learn acceptance of differences.
- Thou shalt resolve past relationship wounds.
- Thou shalt ask for clarification when confused.
- Thou shalt never confuse romance for intimacy.
- Thou shalt remember . . . trust develops slowly.
- Thou shalt disclose your life story slowly, as trust builds.
- Thou shalt not assume a commitment unless agreed upon.
Masks of Intimacy
In our fast-food, instant gratification, I-want-it-now-society,
we ask the question, "How does this way of living affect our
relationship style?" Is your first date the prelude to what you
think as a potential marriage partner? Are your first few dates
about the 'opening', 'the pitch', and the 'close'?
Recognize this scenario? Hot and heavy flattery in the beginning . . .
subtle seduction soon follows . . . you can't resist the 'love' word . . .
into the bedroom you go . . .ooops . . . broken heart after only the
third date? How did they walk a way so easy, you ask? They told
you that you were so special. You felt certain it was love.
It takes time to build trust. It takes time to learn how to
communicate with one another. It takes time to determine
if you want to make a commitment with a person. Intimacy is
a part of bonding and attachment. People love because they
feel attached. It takes time to build attachment.
10 Distractions of Dating
Learning to recognize the subtle art of seduction isn't difficult.
But you do have to be willing to see behind the 'smoke and mirrors.'
Here are a few pointers the next time you run into that dazzling
person who tries to sweep you off your feet on the first few dates.
- Be willing to have your eyes wide open.
- Don't be desperate for love.
- Don't be desperate for attention
- Listen to your instincts and gut feelings
- Listen to your friends if they think something 'isn't right'.
- Beware of flattery.
- Beware of a 'sad story' in the first few dates.
- Don't believe the 'riches to rags' story.
- Pay attention if they drink too much on your dates.
- Don't minimize if they drink and drive.
Warning Signs of Dangerous Liaisons
Here are a few warning signs to help you recognize those on the
desperate prowl to instantly gratify their needs. Hopefully, being
fully aware will keep you from being a victim of those who wear
the mask of intimacy so well. Not allowing yourself to be blinded
by false flattery will help keep you from dangerous liaisons.
- During the first date, two more dates are scheduled.
- You receive a call the next morning after the first date.
- They tell you their life story in detail the first two dates.
- They send cute cards (or emails) daily during the second week.
- They push for romance on the first or second date.
- They send flowers (usually roses) after the second week.
- They ask who else you're seeing after the first date.
- They ask you details about your last relationship too soon.
- They want to know your 'schedule for the week'.
Can EMDR Help With My Relationship?
Yes. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), a
powerful and often rapid technique can be used by a trained EMDR
therapist to help you effectively deal with problems which are
interfering in your relationship, or help you grieve the loss of a
EMDR can address problems of unresolved anger, guilt, unforgiveness,
codependency and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as these
are some issues that often get in the way of a healthy relationship.
EMDR information can be found on this website. Dr. Logan is EMDR
Certified by EMDRIA.
The key is to recognize when your relationship is in trouble, and
not wait too long to seek help. Many relationships can be saved with
immediate professional help. Denying the problem makes it worse.
If you think your relationship is in trouble, and you don't know what to do,
you may want to schedule a phone counseling session with Dr. Lynne to
obtain objective and professional support and clarification of what kind of
problems you are facing. There is hope and there is help. Remember the
first step: Recognize and admit there is a problem.
Who You Are,
What You Are
Cling to Hope.
|If We Had
|Love Dosen't Make
World Go Around;
Love is What
Franklin P. Jones
Forgive . . .
Forgive . . .
Forgive . . .
Forgive . . .
|He Was So
I Knew it Was Love.
I Was In
Before I Realized
Look at Intimacy
Look at Intimacy
|We All Long
|Lynne Logan Ph.D., M.F.T.
Serving Orange County
Tellone Professional & Medical Bldg.
6200 E. Canyon Rim Road
Suite 212 (Inside Canyon Wellness Center)
Anaheim Hills, CA. 92807
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Really Serious RED FLAGS!!!
(That You May Have Been Minimizing for Years!!!)
This list includes behaviors found in both men and women . . .
- They drink too much.
- They drink and drive.
- They invite you to do drugs.
- They flirt with others in front of you.
- They insinuate having sex in the dating phase.
- They insinuate having sex on the first date.
- If/when you do have sex, they refuse to wear a condom.
- They minimize anything about you or your life.
- They have looked at your cell phone and texts without your
- They put you down in any way.
- They touch you too agressively....grab your arm, pull you on your
- They won't let you leave when you want to leave.
- They call you a name or make fun of you.
- They want to know every detail of where you've been, you've you
talked to, and hold you accountable for every hour of your day.
- They leave you alone to get your own ride home.
- They talk non stop about how much they 'hate' their ex.
- Tell you they haven't seen their minor children in years.
- Tell you they haven't paid child support.
- Tell you about a time in prison or jail...and blames others for it.
- Tell you how much money they have but may need to borrow a little
'cash' until they get a check from a 'big job' they just finished.
- Tells you they don't believe in 'counseling' or 'therapy'.
- Tells you they had counseling for a while, but it didn't help them.
- Tells you they have been out of work/job for a while and can't "find
- Gives you what looks like an expensive piece of jewelery early in the
- You find him on a dating site when you think you are in an exclusive
This is NOT an exhaustive list! These are only a few that should get your
attention. DO NOT minimize any of the above behaviors . . . paying close
attention could save you years of relationship pain and heartache.